iStruggle Through Change
by anquhluh
Summary: When Carly's life changes in a major way, it's hard for her to adjust.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone, welcome to my newest fic. I've wanted to write this one for a while, so I do hope you enjoy it. For everyone wondering, I haven't abandoned iHave to Grow Up. I've just had a rough time working on the newest chapter, between distraction and a bit of writer's block. It's almost done though, so keep a look out. Now, this is just a taste of this new fic. It's a little more angst-filled than anything I've written before, so reviews are going to be crucial to where I go next with this. Now, without further ado, enjoy!**

**I do not own iCarly, Creddie, or anything but a creative mind :)**

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It was October in Seattle. The chill in the air was more than evident, and there was no mistaking that summer had come and gone. On this particular Sunday, the rain came down so hard outside that you couldn't see a foot in front of you. The dreary gray sky seemed to almost reflect the rain, so much so that you sometimes couldn't tell the difference between it drizzling and a torrential downpour. Coupled with the natural purposeless feeling associated with Sundays, it was enough to put anyone in melancholy state. But Carly Shay didn't need the weather to help her out on this day.

Carly sat at the seat next to her windows. Unlike many others looking out the window that day, she wasn't marveling at the rain or squinting to make out sights she knew by heart. For Carly, the tempest outside merely mirrored what was going on within her.

She cried harder than she had in a long time. She racked her brain for the last time she'd cried, trying to focus her mind of the steady heaving that echoed in her ears. The fire that destroyed her room hadn't bought her to tears like this. The constant absence of her father couldn't even bring her to cry the way she did. She'd cried harder at the loss of her mother, but those seemed somehow different. Tears of the loss of a person were entirely different than the tears that would not cease to trail down her face today.

Her attempt at taking her mind of her current situation had only left her thinking of a worse one. Her sobs showed no sign of steadying. She had been curled up on her window seat for so long, she lost all sense of time. She got up, her steps wobbly. She hadn't eaten in who knows how long. She remembered coming home from school on Friday and mumbling some sort of acknowledgement toward Spencer before shuffling up to her bathroom, peeling off her wet clothes, and stepping into the shower, where she remained until dinner.

Spencer had asked her if she was alright. She rambled momentarily, something about feeling like she was getting a cold, before she bought herself up to her room. She had been in her room since, except for once a day when she would take a lengthy shower, then drag herself back down the hall and disappear behind her bedroom door. Spencer was worried, but chalked it up to feeling under the weather and did all that he could do. He checked on her once in a while and bought her food up to her.

Sam had called Carly about a hundred times a day. She knew something was wrong with her ever since Friday morning, and yet Carly wouldn't admit to anything being wrong. She went by the loft, where she'd usually see Spencer in the kitchen, making Carly soup. When she'd go upstairs, Carly was sleeping endlessly. She looked peaceful, and Sam, not wanting to disturb her, would spend some time with Spencer before making her way back home. Freddie also tried to call and come by, but when Sam told him to let her be, he complied reluctantly, missing his girlfriend's smile.

Carly and Freddie's relationship had come as a surprise to both of them. Not much came from their momentary romance following the taco truck incident. Neither of them brought the subject up again after Freddie's casts came off. But that didn't stop him from hoping, praying, that she'd feel the same. He just came to the conclusion that not bringing it up anymore would be best. That way, if she was considering it, he wouldn't be pushing the issue, and if she wasn't, he'd be a step closer to getting over it, although he never believed that would be possible.

It was just after Valentine's day and romance seemed to be stuck in the air. Sam had just begun seeing Pete again, to everyone's surprise. Gibby and Tasha were going strong and it seemed that no matter where Carly and Freddie turned, there was a couple in love. It left them spending more than a little bit of time together, but on a strictly friendly basis. The feeling Carly started getting after a while, however, started to exceed friendly. One Friday, they'd decided to go see a brand new thriller together at the movies. Carly's feminine squeamishness didn't fail her, and when a particularly gory stabbing scene came on, she held on to Freddie's arm for dear life. When something popped out unexpectedly, she nearly jumped on top of him. They looked at each other and their lips met. The rest, as they say, was history.

It was no surprise to Carly that upon turning her phone on, both her text message inbox and voicemail box were full. She listened to each message, feeling her heart jump each time she heard Freddie's voice. As she read her texts, every "I love you" sent anxiety radiating through her body. She knew she had to talk to him. She couldn't stay cooped up in her room, hiding from the world forever. This had to be her first step.

She put on her slippers and crept out of her room for the first time that weekend. She knew she would have to do this on Tuesday anyway. She was lucky enough to have Columbus day to continue to sort through her feelings, but she wouldn't push it so far as to miss school. She slowly made her way down the stairs, her grip on the banister tight.

She called out to Spencer but didn't get a response. She walked over to the refrigerator, where she saw a note. "Carls, went to the junkyard to pick up some things for a new piece. Call me if you need me, I should be back around 6." She looked at the clock, which read 2:30. She sighed, making her way back up the stairs.

She took her phone and sent a text message to Freddie. She said only two words: "Come over." She resumed her place, looking out at the storm crashing down below, and resumed her incessant crying. She wasn't prepared to fall apart like this, and she didn't know what to do next.


	2. Chapter 2

Carly was surprised when she didn't get a text back from Freddie. He usually texted her back and appeared within five minutes flat. She watched as five, ten, and twenty minutes passed without any sign of Freddie. It only added to her tears. She'd never felt so alone.

As she sat on her window seat and continued to shed tears, she caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of the window. Her face was sunken in, her cheeks marked with the trails left behind by teardrops. This wasn't the ideal way for Freddie to find her when he finally did arrive, but she couldn't bring herself to walk across her bright room, filled with the happiness and love of the people who helped make it possible. She couldn't bear seeing herself in the mirror and trying to paint on some kind of joyous expression. All the tubes of flavored lip gloss and glitter body lotion couldn't change the person who stared back at her in that window.

Just then, she heard someone struggling with her doorknob. She didn't move, just looked over. She didn't see a person at first. Rather, she saw a giant stuffed teddy bear on top of boxes, with a set of hands peeking out from underneath. Another step revealed jeans and Vans sneakers, but still no face. It was enough to tell her it was Freddie, and enough to get her heart racing faster than the speed of light.

He stumbled over to her bed, almost tripping over the step up toward it. He placed everything on the bed, then stood up straight and smiled. Carly turned her head and as his eyes met hers, his smile disappeared.

He rushed over to her side, just like he'd wanted to so much in that last week. He took a seat next to her and wrapped his arms around her as she leaned into him, still curled up.

"Baby, what's the matter?" he asked as he registered the look on her face. He'd never seen Carly like this. Instantly, a million things ran through his mind. Where was Spencer? What happened? Was it her dad? Her grandfather? As sad as it was to think, he figured death would be the only thing that would bring Carly to such a state.

She tried to find the words to say. She couldn't bring herself to form syllables with her lips. Instead, she just sobbed. She laid in Freddie's arms and sobbed for what she was about to say. She bawled at the thought of how things would change between them once she remembered how to use her voice.

"Freddie," she said, barely getting the word out. The sound of her own voice was foreign to her.

He pulled her closer, petting her head as she wept. He strived to bring her comfort, despite not knowing exactly what was wrong.

Carly took a deep breath against his chest, and could feel his pounding heart. She tried again to convey the words that were difficult for her to even think.

"Freddie, there's," she paused, feeling like she needed to gasp for air. "There's something we need to talk about."

At that point, he thought he felt his heart stop. "If I had a heart monitor, this would be when it flat lined," he thought. He couldn't escape those words. Those words meant break up, which to Freddie meant break down. He couldn't live without Carly, he had accepted that a long time ago.

"Oh. O-okay," he responded, his anxiety clear in his voice.

"Freddie, I need to know that you love me. I can't get through this without knowing that you love me." The look on her face was somber, and it scared Freddie more than she knew.

"Carly, I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. There's no one in the world I could love the way I love you. You're it for me, and there's no changing that," he moved his hand to a small heart shaped locket hanging from a chain. He had bought it for her for her birthday and put a picture in of the two of them taken in the iCarly studio about a year before. He turned it to the back, where he had "Forever Yours" engraved. "You know Carls, they had plenty of phrases I could have gotten engraved on here…like 'Crazy for You' or 'Love You Lots.' But I chose this one because no two words could better describe the way I feel. You might not believe me, but nothing is ever going to make me feel any differently."

She inhaled a deep and broken breath, the only type you can breath when you've been crying that hard. "I believe you it's just…I'm scared. I'm scared that after this, you'll feel differently. I'm scared to ruin this all."

"Baby, you could never ruin this," he said, tightening his arms around her.

She settled into his arms and into the rhythm of her tears. Her head was buried into his chest, where she could follow the sound of his heartbeat, a sound she had committed to memory, like the words to her favorite song. It was there she felt safe, safe enough to inaudibly whisper the secret which was likely to shatter the happiness that had encased her life until now.

Freddie felt tiny, barely noticeable vibrations against his chest. He knew it was Carly speaking into him, despite the lack of muffled sounds coming from her. Maybe she didn't want him to hear, or maybe she wasn't saying anything at all. Either way, the suspense of what had bought Carly to ask him to come by killing him.

"Carly, please babe. I want to help you through whatever you're going through. But I can't do that until you tell me what's going on."

She realized he was right. She had to tell him, there was no getting around it. Plus, he was already there. Backing down wasn't an option. She straightened herself up in her seat. She felt a tear slide down her cheek. She touched her hand to her face, amazed that her body could still produce these tears. She turned back to what mattered, as her eyes met Freddie's and locked into his gaze. She noticed the slight bend of his brow, and appreciated how her boyfriend was forever concerned when there wasn't a smile on her face.

She touched her hand to his. It was now or never. She summoned all her bravery. She help his hand so tightly that she saw his fingers change color ever so slightly. She looked back up at him and took a deep breath. "Freddie, I'm pregnant."

Suddenly, Freddie remembered very vividly what it was like to get hit by that taco truck. He felt the same sensation, the feeling of the wind getting knocked out of him, of the whole world around him coming to a complete halt.

"Pregnant…" He barely got the word out. He whispered it, like if he said it too loud her belly would magically pop out like she was due at any minute.

Although Carly expected a response like this from him, it still made her hysterical. Through her sobs, she apologized. "Freddie, I'm so sorry. I don't know how this happened. We were careful."

It was then that both of them thought back to what got them to where they were right now.


	3. Chapter 3

There was only one possible day when it could've happened. It was the day after the end of summer carnival down by Pike Place Market. Sam had entered the pie eating contest and won, of course. But the next morning, she was feeling the harsh side of victory and stayed home. Spencer had a long day at the junk yard ahead of him for a new project he was planning on starting. Mrs. Benson was working. All of this left Carly and Freddie, who were celebrating their 6 month anniversary, to their own devices.

It was a sweltering hot August day and being outside was absolutely unbearable. Freddie and Carly barely made it on their trek to the Seattle Aquarium, where they decided to spend the day together. When they did get there, they walked along, hand in hand, marveling at the splendor before them. They kissed under the glass dome, millions of fish swimming about all around them. They appreciated the colored fish, the beauty of them swimming together, cohabitating throughout. Really, they gained an appreciation for the majesty nature bestowed.

When they left the aquarium, they decided to go to the Groovy Smoothie, then to rent a movie, and back to Carly's apartment. There, they made the best snacks: s'mores, fruit kabobs, and popcorn, and went up to watch the movie. They pushed together the two beanbag chairs and cuddled throughout the movie. When it movie was over, it was getting dark out. The room was dimly lit. Carly went downstairs to put away some of the stuff she had bought upstairs, while Freddie stretched out on the beanbag chair. She bounced back up the stairs and onto her beanbag. She sat facing Freddie, her legs tucked underneath her.

"Baby, let's play the game," she smiled.

Every so often, Carly and Freddie played a game where they would ask each other questions. No matter what, they had to answer truthfully and no matter what, they couldn't get mad at each other for their honesty. They'd learned a lot about each other through the game, which made Carly feel closer to Freddie than ever. Freddie also enjoyed playing it, especially when he learned things about Carly that Sam didn't even know.

"Sure, you go first," he said, admiring her smile and unknowingly returning it.

"Alright," Carly said, pausing to think. "What did you dream about last night?"

"That's easy, you." He said, not looking directly at her, and Carly noticed his face getting just a bit redder.

"What about me?" she pressed on.

"Just stuff," he mumbled, staring down at his feet. The blush was taking over his face now, and Carly couldn't help herself.

"What kind of stuff?" she teased.

"The kind that required a cold shower this morning. Now is it my turn yet?" he said, clearly embarrassed.

Carly giggled. "Okay, okay. I'll stop. Your turn."

"What did you dream about last night?" he asked hopefully.

"Dying my hair orange and eating a turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich."

Freddie looked at her and his face fell.

"Sorry, it's the truth," she said apologetically.

"It was a gamble," he said with a half smile. "Your turn."

Carly bit her lip. There were some questions she always wanted to ask but was too shy to do so. She knew she shouldn't have been embarrassed. After all, they were 17. There was nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to her boyfriend.

"How come we never talk about it?" she asked. This time she was the one staring down at the floor.

"Talk about what, babe. We talk about everything."

"Everything except sex," she said, so low she was amazed Freddie heard her.

"I didn't know you wanted to talk about it," he said, also mumbling.

Carly sat up, trying to be courageous. "I do. And it's something I want to be honest about. We're growing up Freddie. If we're going to have an adult relationship, it's something we should be able to talk about."

Freddie straightened up too, trying to mirror Carly's courage in bringing this up. "You're absolutely right babe. Let's talk about it."

Carly looked down at her folded hands, twisting in her lap. "So um, what's the…I mean how far have you—you know, gone with a girl."

"You know I've only kissed three girls in my life. You, Melanie and… Sam," he said, shuddering at the last name on the list. "That's all I've done."

"That's a relief. I wasn't sure."

"Do I really seem like that kind of guy?"

"No, I don't mean it like that. I just didn't know if there was stuff you didn't tell me. You know, other girls or whatever."

"Carly, I'm a 17 year old guy who has a bedroom full of Galaxy Wars memorabilia. You really think I have some secret rockin' sex life?"

Carly giggled at this and lightened up. "You never know. I'm the host of a web show watched all across the country and I have nothing to report either."

"Well good then. Whenever we decide to do anything, we'll do it together."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," she smiled. "Your turn."

Freddie was hesitant in asking his next question. He knew they could talk like adults, but he didn't want to be pushy either. He swallowed hard and began. "Have you ever…Do you think about…what I mean is, have you ever wanted to do anything beyond what we've done?"

Carly considered it. Of course she had, but she didn't want to make Freddie feel badly about it, like she'd been waiting forever for him to make a move. But there had definitely been times she'd thought about it. "Yes," she said, squeaking a bit. She cleared her throat and tried again, "I have."

"Like what?"

"It's kind of hard to explain. There's just times when your hands are certain places, and I wonder what it would feel like if they moved to…other places."

"That's really specific, thanks Carls," he teased.

"Well, what am I supposed to say? I'm supposed to come right out and tell you 'Hey Freddie, sometimes I wish you'd just grab me and see where it goes from there.' It's not that easy."

Freddie was stunned. He was expecting her to follow that up with some sort of disclaimer, something to let him know she was just saying that and didn't mean it. No such thing happened.

"When do you feel that way?"

"I don't know, randomly. Like right now."

"Does that mean…"

"It means just grab me, and we'll see where it goes," she said, unable to believe the words that were coming out of her mouth.

Freddie got up and scooped Carly into his arms. He carried her up the stairs and toward her bed. Her heart pounded as they began to kiss. Sure, they'd made out in her room, even on her bed, a million times before, but this was different. There was an expectation there, an expectation of something more.

Knowing that Carly wanted more made Freddie even more nervous than playing the guessing game did. He kept his hand at her waist as they laid side by side, unsure of where it should be going.

He got the answer to that question as Carly took his hand and moved it from waist over just a bit, slipping his fingers under the hem of her shirt. He instinctively moved his hand up, but just enough to rest his entire hand on her tummy. He moved him fingers over the warm, smooth skin. It's only imperfection was the tiniest bump, a scar from her scratching too much when she had the chicken pox. He thought it was so adorable, so Carly.

She intensified their kiss, working her tongue fiercely around his. This gave him the courage to move his hand further. He was startled as his fingertips brushed against a silky bra cup. Still, he harnessed his courage. He slipped his fingers underneath that smooth, cool fabric to what was underneath, craving to be touched.

From there, it went fluidly. His hands worked over her body, taking time to appreciate every inch of it. She drank it all in, ecstatic he showed no signs of stopping because with the way she was feeling, she never wanted him to stop. There was a hesitance in his movements, she noted, him keeping in mind that he didn't know when he might hit a boundary he couldn't cross. But despite his hesitance, it was clear Freddie had stopped over-thinking the situation. Now, he was also appreciating the moment for everything it was.

Carly wasn't greedy in this moment by any means. She took allowed her hands to explore Freddie. She marveled as her fingertips roamed over his newly developed muscles. Her hands lingered on them, feeling them contract and expand as he worked his hands all over her. She was hypnotized by the slight swell of his arms, the indentations sectioning off his abdomen.

Before they knew it, they were under Carly's white down comforter. Their clothes were in heaps on either side of the bed. She gazed at Freddie, propped up on his forearms over her, staring right back at her.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered, scared that an octave too high could break the beauty of the moment.

"And you're incredible," she whispered back. "Freddie, I want to do this."

"Carly, just because we're here, now, like this…it doesn't mean we have to."

"Freddie, I _want_ to. I love you and this is perfect and you're just perfect and there's nothing that could make this any more…"

"Perfect?"

She giggled slightly at herself. He looked at her, the expression on his face serious. "Carly, are you positive?"

She nodded. He reached over, grabbing a thin packet out of his wallet. He looked at her once more. She nodded, reassuring him once more as he tore it open.

The moment had come. Carly took her hand, taking his length and leaving it at her entrance. They continued gazing at each other. "Carly, I love you," he whispered once more.

"I love you too," she said, her arms wrapping around him tighter as he gained entry.

The next few minutes felt like a blissful eternity. The abundance of emotions felt was great enough to distract from the pain. As they laid together after the fact, beads of sweat adorning their intertwined bodies, they knew they had shared a truly intimate moment. They had no idea it would be an intimate moment they'd now have to explain the consequences of to everyone they knew.


End file.
